Growing up, I always struggled to forgive, even slight offenses. My own weaknesses in that area makes me appreciate with great awe the forgiveness of God. Not just small sins, but that even as He was being violently nailed to the cross, Jesus could somehow pray, “Father forgive them, they know not what they do.” Who is like Him? If reconciliation is part of God’s nature and we are made in His image, why does it seem so hard?

There is something inside of us that wants to see justice done. We want to see the person who hurt us hurt back. To make things even. Especially in the case of betrayal. I would say betrayal is the most painful of offenses, because not only is it a sin committed against you, by definition it is committed by someone you are in close relationship with. Anyone who has suffered a betrayal knows the additional layers of hurt and subsequent healing needed for a wound that cuts so deep.

Years ago, I suffered a terrible betrayal by someone I thought a good friend. When the shock wore off and I began to realize what she had done, I was angry. Her poor choices had caused me great pain. I didn’t help that she took no responsibility and had no remorse for what was done. My heart was a big gaping wound and I was getting sicker the more I relived the situation, yet I could not seem to stop. When wounds aren’t healed, they can become infected, and mine did. It was affecting my health and my sleep. I desired revenge for the injustice done. One night I had a dream about my offender. In the dream, something horrible happened to her. I woke up (sickly) happy about it and the ugliness in my own heart shocked me. I burst into tears, realizing just how far things had gotten out of hand. I ran to Jesus, collapsed at His feet and asked Him to fix me.

It is important to forgive, but how do you forgive someone who has caused such pain, especially when they take no responsibility? Forgiveness is not contingent upon an apology. Forgiveness is not ignoring what happened or saying what they did wasn’t wrong. It is choosing to trust that the same God who proved His love for us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8) loves our offender in their sin, too. It’s understanding that our debts were forgiven and so we can choose to forgive our debtors. It’s forgoing our personal rights for justice and releasing the offender into God’s hands, trusting He will deal with them justly instead of us spending our lives angry and trying to exact revenge.

I didn’t know how to do this. I asked God. He told me, “Take her to the table”. Somehow I knew what this meant. I closed my eyes and imagined myself sitting across a table from her. Just imagining her caused me great anxiety. God said to me, “Remember what you have learned.” What quickly came to me was Ephesians 2, the promise that I am seated in heavenly places in Christ and all things are below my feet. In other words, I didn’t need to be afraid because Jesus was with me. In my mind’s eye I saw myself seated literally in Christ. With Him on my side, I felt confidence rise…but unfortunately to the point where I started feeling cocky – “Ha, Jesus is on MY side, sucka!”

But then, something strange happened. In my mind, I saw Jesus get up and walk over to my offender’s side of the table and sit down in the chair next to her. I was confused and asked what He was doing. Then He did the unthinkable: He took her hand in His. Anger shot thru me like a lightning bolt. How could He do that? He knew everything she had done to me and the destruction it had caused! I narrowed my eyes and looked at Him saying, “How could you take HER side?”

Then He said three things to me I will never forget:

• “I haven’t left you. Look.” These words directed my inner gaze back to my own chair and I realized somehow that was true. That while He was sitting with her, He also was somehow sitting with me. He had not left me. He was not choosing sides.
• “Your enemy will be handled the second you realize it’s not the person sitting across from you.” Ephesians 6:12 says we fight not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities. In other words, she wasn’t my enemy. We have one enemy and that is satan. And even when someone is used by the enemy to hurt us, attacking them is not paying the enemy back. It’s attacking another broken human.
• “The same God who champions and defends you is the Champion and Defender of those with whom you disagree.” This was the toughest one for me. I wrestled with this all day. No way did I want to believe that a good God would ever champion or defend this woman who betrayed me. But that night I (begrudging) came to terms with the truth of this statement. Romans 8:31 tells us that God is for us. God is our greatest advocate, our biggest cheerleader. Not just for you, but for all of His children. And while I don’t believe He was thrilled with her actions, I know that He died for her, that He believes in her, that He is working in and thru her despite her mistakes, just like He does for me.

There is something about understanding these three truths that has allowed me to keep much shorter accounts. Anytime someone hurts me now, I am quick to take them to the table and watch Jesus take hold of their hand. It’s hard to hate a person that you know Jesus loves.