Growing up, I always struggled to forgive, even slight offenses. My own weaknesses in that area makes me appreciate with great awe the forgiveness of God. Not just small sins, but that even as He was being violently nailed to the cross, Jesus could somehow pray, “Father forgive them, they know not what they do.” Who is like Him? If reconciliation is part of God’s nature and we are made in His image, why does it seem so hard?

There is something inside of us that wants to see justice done. We want to see the person who hurt us hurt back. To make things even. Especially in the case of betrayal. I would say betrayal is the most painful of offenses, because not only is it a sin committed against you, by definition it is committed by someone you are in close relationship with. Anyone who has suffered a betrayal knows the additional layers of hurt and subsequent healing needed for a wound that cuts so deep.

Years ago, I suffered a terrible betrayal by someone I thought a good friend. When the shock wore off and I began to realize what she had done, I was angry. Her poor choices had caused me great pain. I didn’t help that she took no responsibility and had no remorse for what was done. My heart was a big gaping wound and I was getting sicker the more I relived the situation, yet I could not seem to stop. When wounds aren’t healed, they can become infected, and mine did. It was affecting my health and my sleep. I desired revenge for the injustice done. One night I had a dream about my offender. In the dream, something horrible happened to her. I woke up (sickly) happy about it and the ugliness in my own heart shocked me. I burst into tears, realizing just how far things had gotten out of hand. I ran to Jesus, collapsed at His feet and asked Him to fix me.

It is important to forgive, but how do you forgive someone who has caused such pain, especially when they take no responsibility? Forgiveness is not contingent upon an apology. Forgiveness is not ignoring what happened or saying what they did wasn’t wrong. It is choosing to trust that the same God who proved His love for us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8) loves our offender in their sin, too. It’s understanding that our debts were forgiven and so we can choose to forgive our debtors. It’s forgoing our personal rights for justice and releasing the offender into God’s hands, trusting He will deal with them justly instead of us spending our lives angry and trying to exact revenge.

I didn’t know how to do this. I asked God. He told me, “Take her to the table”. Somehow I knew what this meant. I closed my eyes and imagined myself sitting across a table from her. Just imagining her caused me great anxiety. God said to me, “Remember what you have learned.” What quickly came to me was Ephesians 2, the promise that I am seated in heavenly places in Christ and all things are below my feet. In other words, I didn’t need to be afraid because Jesus was with me. In my mind’s eye I saw myself seated literally in Christ. With Him on my side, I felt confidence rise…but unfortunately to the point where I started feeling cocky – “Ha, Jesus is on MY side, sucka!”

But then, something strange happened. In my mind, I saw Jesus get up and walk over to my offender’s side of the table and sit down in the chair next to her. I was confused and asked what He was doing. Then He did the unthinkable: He took her hand in His. Anger shot thru me like a lightning bolt. How could He do that? He knew everything she had done to me and the destruction it had caused! I narrowed my eyes and looked at Him saying, “How could you take HER side?”

Then He said three things to me I will never forget:

• “I haven’t left you. Look.” These words directed my inner gaze back to my own chair and I realized somehow that was true. That while He was sitting with her, He also was somehow sitting with me. He had not left me. He was not choosing sides.
• “Your enemy will be handled the second you realize it’s not the person sitting across from you.” Ephesians 6:12 says we fight not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities. In other words, she wasn’t my enemy. We have one enemy and that is satan. And even when someone is used by the enemy to hurt us, attacking them is not paying the enemy back. It’s attacking another broken human.
• “The same God who champions and defends you is the Champion and Defender of those with whom you disagree.” This was the toughest one for me. I wrestled with this all day. No way did I want to believe that a good God would ever champion or defend this woman who betrayed me. But that night I (begrudging) came to terms with the truth of this statement. Romans 8:31 tells us that God is for us. God is our greatest advocate, our biggest cheerleader. Not just for you, but for all of His children. And while I don’t believe He was thrilled with her actions, I know that He died for her, that He believes in her, that He is working in and thru her despite her mistakes, just like He does for me.

There is something about understanding these three truths that has allowed me to keep much shorter accounts. Anytime someone hurts me now, I am quick to take them to the table and watch Jesus take hold of their hand. It’s hard to hate a person that you know Jesus loves.

1 Kings 3:16-28 tells a story about 2 new mothers. One night, one of the babies died. That baby’s mother snuck into the bedroom of the other mother & traded the dead child for the live baby. The other mother woke, realizing the babies had been switched. The first mother denied it. They ran to King Solomon for a decision. His answer may seem a little shocking: The king said, “Get me a sword.” So they brought a sword before the king. The king said, “Divide the living child in two, & give half to the one & half to the other.”

What in the world? Why would he say this?! His seemingly unfair decision was actually for a purpose – to reveal the hearts of the women. The woman who stole the baby agreed with the king’s plan while the real mother said, “Oh, my lord, give her the living child, & by no means kill him.” King Solomon gave the child to that woman, knowing she was the real mother because she cared more about the welfare of the baby than getting what she wanted. Sacrificial love is the epitome of a mother’s heart.

There are times in our lives when unfair things happen. In these shocking moments, what is buried deep in our hearts becomes exposed thru our response. Do we still act in love? Do we still choose life? Do we still pursue reconciliation? Do we still trust God, even when it seems He’s allowed a plan that isn’t the one we had hoped for? Or do we try to grab hold tight of what we want with no regard to anything else?

I’ve learned by experience we will always receive more thru surrender than control. Surrendering to God doesn’t mean giving up, but instead turning the situation over to Him to fight for you. It can be hard to stop fighting for yourself! Sometimes I literally have to open my hands, palms up and physically release my natural response to take control. But there is something beautiful about surrender, because God is always there to step in when you finally are able to let go. ❤️ #release #trust #letgo #preachingtomyself #thegodofaprilham

“I have set the Lord continually before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 16:8

I got saved before my 27^th birthday. At the time, I knew very little of church, bible study or “how to be a Christian” – but man, did I love Jesus! I would read the gospels and fall in love with Him over and over again. Jesus loved even the most unlovable. He actually touched the leper who made others flinch. He wasn’t ashamed to dine with sinners. He forgave even those who nailed Him to the cross. I didn’t know anyone like Him. I couldn’t get enough.

When you fall in love with someone, you can’t get them out of your mind. It was the same for me with Jesus, at least at the beginning. I couldn’t wait to get home from work, curl up with my pillow, close my eyes and picture Him in my mind. I would stare into His eyes. THOSE EYES! So good! So kind! So loving! Looking into those eyes made me feel completely safe. Sometimes I would imagine Him smiling back at me. Sometimes I would ask Him questions and imagine His reply. (At the time I assumed I made it up, but now I look back realizing the wisdom of His answers and know God really spoke to me). Some of the greatest moments of my life were those early years with God.

But as we are prone to do in Christianity, I got swept up in the discipleship train: Learn more, serve more, do more for God. There is nothing wrong with learning, serving and leading. These are actually good things. But I realize now I had subconsciously swapped learning more ABOUT God and doing more FOR God at the expense of spending time WITH God. This is a small and easy shift to make, but has great impact in our lives.

Many years passed where I didn’t notice the shift, but the last few have been incredibly rough. This brought me to a point of great need for Him. As I reached out in desperation, I realized how long it had been since I had come to Him like that. All of the sudden He seemed so far away. I didn’t know what to do to get close to Him again. One day, I thought I heard Him whisper, “Give Me your winter.” To be honest, I felt a little afraid. I asked Him why. He said, “I want to do heart surgery on you.” That sounded even worse! But after some time to process, I obeyed and got out of my nightly commitments for the next 3 months so I could come home to Him every night.

At first, I was so uncomfortable. When you’ve used busyness as a distraction to avoid pain, the quiet stillness actually seems scary. It took me a few weeks just to have the guts to really “show up”. When I finally did, I wasn’t sure what to do. What did it mean to do heart surgery on me? Was I supposed to read my bible or worship or…? As I tried to find the correct religious task to perform for Him, I said to God, “I don’t know what you want me to DO!” He interrupted me with a shout and a clap, “STOP! Just LOOK at me! It wasn’t mean but it was forceful enough to shake me a bit. I flashed back to the memory of myself as a new Christian, simply looking up at Jesus in my mind’s eye, loving Him. I said to God, “Oh. Just look at You?” “That’s all,” He said.

I curled up on my chair, imagining the arms were His arms wrapped tightly around me and I looked into His eyes. It has been so long since I tried to behold Him that way, I could barely make out the details of His face in my imagination. His features seemed blurry. It was hard to focus and I was easily distracted with To Do lists and random thoughts that made me lose track of Him. He gently told me not to worry, and encouraged me to simply redirect my attention back to Him as often as needed. Day after day I would show up and repeat the process. His face began to get a little clearer. It took me awhile to realize He really, truly didn’t want me to DO anything. Not even pray! He just wanted me to sit with Him, to look at Him. I didn’t fully understand the point and found it quite difficult at first. Near torture at times. But it slowly got easier. I finally started to look forward to our time.

But because I wasn’t DOING anything, the lie that came was that this all was a waste. I had so many pressing demands for my time that needed attention! But I persisted and after 3 months of simply gazing upon Him, somehow everything in my life seemed to have changed for the better – spiritually, emotionally, physically, relationally. I know God promises us if we seek first the Kingdom, all else will be given (Matthew 6:33), but I was confused how it “worked” until a few months ago when God helped define it for me.

I was at a conference and the speaker shared about childhood development. She said in the first 6 months of a baby’s life, babies spend the majority of that time looking up into their parent’s face (nursing, rocking, diaper changes, etc). Those early months are very important for their future because this is the time when their brains are being formed. As the baby looks up at their parent, there is a scientific process happening where neurons fire 6 times a second, searching the parent’s face asking the question, “Do you want to be here with me?” If the parent looks back at them with love and joy, the baby’s question receives the answer, “Yes, I want to be here with you. You belong. I love you. You are safe.” And the baby’s brain forms healthy connections. The opposite can also be true.

I realized during those three months of gazing into the eyes of God, that is exactly what happened for me as well. Life had brought brokenness to my heart and mind. But as I sat with Him and my eyes searched His face, timidly asking, “Do You want to be here with me?” His eyes shined back, exclaiming, “There’s no place I would rather be!” His love was not only rewriting the neural connections in my brain, but also working the deep heart surgery He promised and that I so needed. Beth Moore says, “Courage comes from a heart that is convinced it is loved.” My heart grew stronger as it filled with His love.

If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, I would say, “Don’t forgo your time WITH God to do stuff FOR God.” God’s presence is the only place you will find absolutely everything you need. “Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:25-26

It’s sad when some in the Church treat people worse than the world. Yesterday I saw tons on social media about Kanye & many were from suspicious Christians doubting his conversion. Do I know with certainty Kanye is Christian? Not any more than a human can know anyone is. But I believe Kanye at his testimony. And I’d always rather err on the side of believing God is big enough to reach anyone. Heck, He was big enough to reach even ME! Do you really think the entertainment industry is off limits to God? And what is everyone so afraid of? What is the great harm in choosing to believing the best about Kanye? Being wrong? Hello, pride!

I’ve heard some say they were waiting for him to “produce fruit” before they believe. Well fruit takes time to grow, fam. When I got saved, I wasn’t instantly producing fruit! I’m grateful I was surrounded by grace-filled people who believed in me while my fruit was in process. The thief that was hung on a cross next to Jesus didn’t have time to “produce fruit” before he died. He merely asked Jesus, “Remember me when you come into Your kingdom,” to which Jesus promised, “Today you will be with me in paradise.” Jesus immediately received the man upon his acknowledgement of the Lordship of Christ. Not to mention, going on every talk show and telling millions of fans about the goodness of God IS FRUIT!!!

Why are we making this so much harder on people than Jesus did? He said: “Come to me, ALL you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30). Jesus directed His harsh rebukes NOT to new converts who weren’t producing fruit quickly enough, but towards those people who kept others away from salvation – the Pharisees: “But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut up the kingdom of heaven against men; for you neither go in yourselves, nor do you allow those who are entering to go in.” Matthew ‭23:13‬

Jesus believes in Kanye. Be like Jesus. ❤️ #ibelieve #jesusis

The Bible says in heaven, seraphim (angels) fly around God continuously crying out, “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!” It also talks of elders who cast their crowns at His feet exclaiming, “You are worthy to receive glory and honor and power!” It seems whenever a created being sees their Creator, it’s all they can do to cry out in worship.

Faith is having confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we DO NOT SEE. We need faith now on earth because we only see and know God IN PART. But we are promised when we stand before God in heaven, we will know Him fully as we are fully known. We will SEE and therefore no longer need to have faith. Worship will be the most natural response in our full understanding of His glory.

Until then, God calls our earthly praise a “sacrifice”. Our short time on earth is the only time we can truly offer worship as a choice. It’s a sacrifice because it’s an act of faith against any circumstances that might tempt us to doubt God’s goodness. We must CHOOSE worship, believing that God really is all He says He is even when we can’t see.

Do you find it difficult to worship when life is hard? You can start by saying 3 words: “I worship You.” Sometimes it seems hypocritical to say if you don’t “feel” it inside, but in that moment you are doing something quite powerful – denying your flesh and choosing faith. God can’t help but show up when we choose faith. He enters into our free will worship and begins to make the reality of His goodness known. What started as a choice becomes the cry of our heart!

Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise – the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. Hebrews 13:15 #worship #praise #sacrificeofpraise #thegodofaprilham

God can talk to us in endless ways. I used to believe His voice would be like thunder from heaven, but sometimes it’s a still small whisper. I used to think He could talk only thru the Bible, but now I know the King of the Universe can use anything to speak to us, even if it’s (gasp) secular. God has answered me in bumper stickers and license plates. He’s talked to me thru unsaved people. He’s taught me lessons thru birds and even my dog. One of the ways He speaks to me most often is music and last week was no exception.

I have this armed beanbag chair that sits on the floor of my closet. That’s my God spot. I love to go in there and snuggle down into it. I pretend it’s Jesus wrapping His arms around me. I spend some time there most evenings but had missed about a week in a row due to a crazy schedule. But when something sad happened, it caused me to run to the beanbag and collapse into it. I started to cry and told Jesus all about it. As I snuggled down deeper, I imagined Jesus rocking me like a baby. I began to feel so much peace. Then all of the sudden I started to hear a melody in my mind. I hummed along with it, trying to place where I’d heard it before. I finally remembered Bette Midler singing it in an old movie called Beaches. I quickly googled for the name of the song: it was “Baby Mine”, originally written in 1941 for the Disney movie Dumbo. (Who knew? 🤷‍♀️)

Here are the lyrics:
Baby mine, don’t you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part
Baby of mine

There are times in our lives when God enters into a moment with us and speaks directly to our hearts. In this one, He spoke so personally to me, reminding me of His love for me using a sweet lullaby I haven’t heard in over 15 years. It made me feel so seen by God. ❤️ I’m incredibly grateful God is not limited in the ways He communicates with us, even thru an animated elephant!

What about you? Do you feel like you can hear God speak? Any unique way He likes to communicate with you? Tell me about it! ⬇️ #dumbo #disney #beaches #bettemidler #godspeaks #thegodofaprilham

No one is too far gone for God.
Not you.
Not your loved one.
Not your enemy.

People wander away for many reasons. Ultimately, they don’t understand the great love God has for them. But even when our brokenness causes us to run away, God never gives up on us. He always has eyes to see our incredible value and potential. He knows the pain we have experienced. He knows the lies we are believing. He is committed to reveal truth, heal our hearts and lead us down the path to wholeness. Then He invites us to partner with Him to do the same for others.

You will often encounter people who have wandered. An easy response would be to judge them for their sin. But will that condemnation change them? The same God who didn’t give up on you has not given up on them. So why would we give up on them? A better option is to ask God to show you His eyes, His heart and His dreams for that person. You never know. It may just be His words with His heart on YOUR lips that becomes the very thing that leads them back home again.

He has not given up on you. Don’t give up on them. Help lead them home. ❤️ #homecoming #welcomehome #thegodofaprilham

About 10 years ago, I was so angry with God about a certain circumstance in my life. A few years later, I saw it with different eyes and realized what happened actually ended up being a good thing. I wrote in my journal, “Note to future self, if you’re mad at God, you’re misunderstanding something.”

Many years later, a different situation occurred and I found myself angry at God once again. I told Him, “God, I’m so mad at you” right as I picked up something off my bookshelf. When I did, it accidentally knocked a journal to the floor which opened. I knelt down to pick it up and my eyes caught the words, “Note to future self, if you’re mad at God, you’re misunderstanding something.” God is funny! 🤣

Here’s the thing: God is not our enemy. As believers, we have become beloved sons and daughters of a GOOD Father. God is good and all He does is good (Psalm 119:68). He never withholds anything good (Psalm 84:11). He gives good gifts (Matthew 7:11). And even when our real enemy causes real destruction in our lives, God promises He will work ALL THINGS together for our good (Romans 8:28).

If you are going through a rough situation right now, it’s ok to be honest with God about your feelings (He knows them anyway), but it can be all too easy to get stuck there. If you want to get unstuck, I would encourage you to ask God to reveal what’s true. Sometimes He will reveal the exact reasons why behind what happened, other times we won’t understand ‘til heaven – BUT God will always answer the prayer to reveal more of the truth of His goodness. “Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.” And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you…” Exodus‬ ‭33:18-19‬ **
What about you? Ever felt angry with God? Struggle with believing His goodness? How do you push thru? Talk to me! ⬇️ #thegoodnessofgod

Grace. Man, that word can really stir up people’s emotions! Some use the word in the context of it being a “license to sin”, calling it “cheap grace”, saying it is an offense to Christ’s sacrifice. What does the Bible say?

The Judaizers were teaching the converts in Galatia they needed to get circumcised to be TRUE disciples. This circumcision was literal but can also be seen as any “work” man does to earn righteousness. Paul says: “If you let yourselves be circumcised, then Christ’s sacrifice becomes of NO VALUE.” Instead of grace, Paul says it’s salvation by works that devalues Christ’s sacrifice.

“Every man who lets himself be circumcised is obligated to obey the whole law.” If you follow any part, you must PERFECTLY execute all or you will receive the punishment of law – death. Paul continues: “In Christ, neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The ONLY thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” Paul says to the Galatians, “You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you.” (ie: NOT God!)

People ask, “So you’re saying everyone can sin as much as they want?” Paul addresses that: “You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh.” Another question, “But if we don’t have any rules to ‘keep us in check’, how will we avoid sin?” Paul answers, “So I say, walk by the Spirit & you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” When we follow the Holy Spirit, we will walk in righteousness.

The surprise ending is that law & grace actually have the same endgame – righteousness. The difference is the how & why. Those under the law work hard to keep every rule. They are usually motivated by fear of being punished. Those under grace believe 2000 years ago, God became sin so that we might become the righteousness of God. Their actions are motivated by faith in a God so good to provide a way. This internal gratitude often WILL express itself in good works externally as we walk in the Spirit, BUT as an overflow of receiving His love, not an obligation to earn it. So what about you? Is grace hard to believe?

FEAR. 😱 Ever struggle with it? I did. Bad. I want to share what God taught me. Consider a child who got spooked by something – maybe it’s loud fireworks, an energetic dog or falling & getting a boo-boo. It could be something good, neutral or bad. But because the child doesn’t fully comprehend what’s happening, all 3 can make their heart stop for a second in the unknown.

Usually the 1st thing a kid does in this case is look to their parent. The child’s eyes subconsciously search the parent’s face to assess how they are reacting & in turn, judge if the situation requires concern. If the parent laughs at the dog, claps for the fireworks or smiles & says, “You’re ok!” after the child falls, the kid is put at ease. If they look concerned or run to the child shouting, “Are you OK!?” in a panic, the child’s worst fears are confirmed that something is wrong & they begin to panic themselves.

There will be times in our lives where things happen & we are tempted to fear. The trick God showed me is to turn my attention to my Heavenly Father in these moments – to literally picture God/Jesus in my mind’s eye. I can look at His face in the same way as a child to get a truthful assessment of my situation. Sometimes I even ask Him, “Are YOU afraid?” & I see Him laugh, “Nope, I’m not afraid!” One thing I know to be true no matter if our situations are good, neutral, or even bad: God is NEVER afraid, panicked or wringing His hands about them. He is before all things & in Him, all things hold together (Colossians 1:17), He promises to shepherd us thru any valley (Psalm 23:4) and if He is with us, we don’t have to be afraid (Psalm 118:6).

Fear doesn’t usually go away all at once. God CAN deliver people instantly! But fear is often ingrained in us as a habit over many years of “practice” & habits can take time to break. Freedom from fear often comes thru a resetting of the mind & actions every time we are tempted to fear. We must choose to not respond as in the past, but instead respond in a new way that expresses faith & trust in a God who loves us & will keep us. We can have courage thru it all because He has overcome it all! (John 16:33) Receive the Father’s peace! #fearisaliar