“I have set the Lord continually before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 16:8
I got saved before my 27th birthday. At the time, I knew very little of church, bible study or “how to be a Christian” – but man, did I love Jesus! I would read the gospels and fall in love with Him over and over again. Jesus loved even the most unlovable. He actually touched the leper who made others flinch. He wasn’t ashamed to dine with sinners. He forgave even those who nailed Him to the cross. I didn’t know anyone like Him. I couldn’t get enough.
When you fall in love with someone, you can’t get them out of your mind. It was the same for me with Jesus, at least at the beginning. I couldn’t wait to get home from work, curl up with my pillow, close my eyes and picture Him in my mind. I would stare into His eyes. THOSE EYES! So good! So kind! So loving! Looking into those eyes made me feel completely safe. Sometimes I would imagine Him smiling back at me. Sometimes I would ask Him questions and imagine His reply. (At the time I assumed I made it up, but now I look back realizing the wisdom of His answers and know God really spoke to me). Some of the greatest moments of my life were those early years with God.
But as we are prone to do in Christianity, I got swept up in the discipleship train: Learn more, serve more, do more for God. There is nothing wrong with learning, serving and leading. These are actually good things. But I realize now I had subconsciously swapped learning more ABOUT God and doing more FOR God at the expense of spending time WITH God. This is a small and easy shift to make, but has great impact in our lives.
Many years passed where I didn’t notice the shift, but the last few have been incredibly rough. This brought me to a point of great need for Him. As I reached out in desperation, I realized how long it had been since I had come to Him like that. All of the sudden He seemed so far away. I didn’t know what to do to get close to Him again. One day, I thought I heard Him whisper, “Give Me your winter.” To be honest, I felt a little afraid. I asked Him why. He said, “I want to do heart surgery on you.” That sounded even worse! But after some time to process, I obeyed and got out of my nightly commitments for the next 3 months so I could come home to Him every night.
At first, I was so uncomfortable. When you’ve used busyness as a distraction to avoid pain, the quiet stillness actually seems scary. It took me a few weeks just to have the guts to really “show up”. When I finally did, I wasn’t sure what to do. What did it mean to do heart surgery on me? Was I supposed to read my bible or worship or…? As I tried to find the correct religious task to perform for Him, I said to God, “I don’t know what you want me to DO!” He interrupted me with a shout and a clap, “STOP! Just LOOK at me! It wasn’t mean but it was forceful enough to shake me a bit. I flashed back to the memory of myself as a new Christian, simply looking up at Jesus in my mind’s eye, loving Him. I said to God, “Oh. Just look at You?” “That’s all,” He said.
I curled up on my chair, imagining the arms were His arms wrapped tightly around me and I looked into His eyes. It has been so long since I tried to behold Him that way, I could barely make out the details of His face in my imagination. His features seemed blurry. It was hard to focus and I was easily distracted with To Do lists and random thoughts that made me lose track of Him. He gently told me not to worry, and encouraged me to simply redirect my attention back to Him as often as needed. Day after day I would show up and repeat the process. His face began to get a little clearer. It took me awhile to realize He really, truly didn’t want me to DO anything. Not even pray! He just wanted me to sit with Him, to look at Him. I didn’t fully understand the point and found it quite difficult at first. Near torture at times. But it slowly got easier. I finally started to look forward to our time.
But because I wasn’t DOING anything, the lie that came was that this all was a waste. I had so many pressing demands for my time that needed attention! But I persisted and after 3 months of simply gazing upon Him, somehow everything in my life seemed to have changed for the better – spiritually, emotionally, physically, relationally. I know God promises us if we seek first the Kingdom, all else will be given (Matthew 6:33), but I was confused how it “worked” until a few months ago when God helped define it for me.
I was at a conference and the speaker shared about childhood development. She said in the first 6 months of a baby’s life, babies spend the majority of that time looking up into their parent’s face (nursing, rocking, diaper changes, etc). Those early months are very important for their future because this is the time when their brains are being formed. As the baby looks up at their parent, there is a scientific process happening where neurons fire 6 times a second, searching the parent’s face asking the question, “Do you want to be here with me?” If the parent looks back at them with love and joy, the baby’s question receives the answer, “Yes, I want to be here with you. You belong. I love you. You are safe.” And the baby’s brain forms healthy connections. The opposite can also be true.
I realized during those three months of gazing into the eyes of God, that is exactly what happened for me as well. Life had brought brokenness to my heart and mind. But as I sat with Him and my eyes searched His face, timidly asking, “Do You want to be here with me?” His eyes shined back, exclaiming, “There’s no place I would rather be!” His love was not only rewriting the neural connections in my brain, but also working the deep heart surgery He promised and that I so needed. Beth Moore says, “Courage comes from a heart that is convinced it is loved.” My heart grew stronger as it filled with His love.
If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, I would say, “Don’t forgo your time WITH God to do stuff FOR God.” God’s presence is the only place you will find absolutely everything you need. “Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:25-26